How losing a parent can affect children over time
The loss of an important person in a child or young person’s world can be life changing. When a child is bereaved of a parent or both parents, the impact can be varied and evolve throughout the young person’s life.
The parent who died may have been present and involved in the child’s life consistently, perhaps contact had been sporadic, or the parent may not have been known to the child or young person.
When bereaved of a parent, children may become scared, anxious or perhaps more attached to other significant people surrounding them. Security and consistency are important to children to provide a sense of safety as they grow and develop.
Experiencing a change in caregiver, due to the death of a parent, for example, can be hugely impactful in a child or young person’s world. The child or young person may have shared their challenges with their parent, felt safe to express openly and relied on them, not only for their basic needs, but for ongoing support throughout their development into adulthood.
Babies and 2-5 year olds
Babies can be impacted by a loss in their world, particularly if the loss is of a primary caregiver or parent, not hearing their voice or smelling their scent can be distressing for them. Babies may experience changes in responses and reactions from their remaining caregivers, while they themselves are grieving, but will not have formed a foundation of their own understanding, only that there is a change in their “norm”, which may be unsettling.
5-10 year olds
The death of a parent can be a scary experience for children. We notice that children aged 5-10 are likely to have developed their understanding of death and dying, perhaps through movies, nature, or having pets who have died, which could have created an anxiety of losing a parent, which, sadly for some, becomes a reality.
For this age group, you may notice a curiosity about death and asking questions that could be considered unusual or morbid to adults. This is common for children who are trying to process and understand death. They are likely to become aware of their own mortality and ask questions about this too, for example, “When will I die?”
We recognise that children can be literal, for example, if they hear their important person has gone to sleep and didn’t wake up, they may become afraid to go to sleep, or be worried about their surviving parent, carers, or siblings going to sleep too.
Night time can be a time of fewer distractions and more time to think, changes in sleep patterns, falling asleep or being able to stay asleep are some of the challenges we hear for children of any age who are bereaved and may be a difficulty at different stages throughout their life.
Children who experience loss before the age of 5 may begin to develop their further understanding of what has happened to their parent and wish to explore the memories of others who knew them. They may feel anger, sadness, disappointment, numbness or many other complex feelings because they don’t have memories of their own.
Teens & adolescence
As children grow older, develop and experience new things, for example, changing schools, losing/making new friends, sitting exams, we often hear how grief can bring challenges to them throughout these moments. Experiencing these milestones is when they might turn to their parent(s) for support and guidance.
Making decisions around education, work, and lifestyle may also be something that young people talk to their parent about, and similarly when they celebrate their many achievements throughout life.
Both children and young people are likely to experience what we call “secondary losses”, which may be the moments a child or young person may reflect on and consider how different it could be if their important person were with them. They may also recognise that during these times they feel different to their peers who have their parent(s) around supporting them, and it could bring up difficult, negative feelings.
As young people continue to explore new experiences and opportunities, their grief and loss may evolve as they do.
With support from other significant people around them and, if necessary, professionals like a bereavement specialist or counsellor, children and young people may learn to navigate painful feelings and circumstances.
As a bereaved person moving through life and navigating the world around them, they may be missing assurances, for example, having a hug, a cry, or laughing with their loved one who has died, which could be painful. This is an experience that may arise no matter their age or experience.
What might help them along the way?
If possible, try to include the wider family in the young person’s support network, as this can be a helpful way for them to stay connected to the parent who has died. This could involve spending time talking about their important person or doing an activity that is unrelated to the family’s loss.
Grief toolkits can provide great support with suggestions of activities and self-soothing coping mechanisms, contacts to speak with when needed, and ways to remember their person and their hobbies.
Having a space where they can speak openly about or to their person can provide great comfort, whether this is a location they visited together and remembered fondly, their resting place, or somewhere they feel safe at home or somewhere familiar.
It’s important to ensure there is a consistent avenue of support for them throughout their grief. They may find it useful to talk with someone they know, or someone impartial. Our bereavement specialists are available to provide this support to children and young people up to the age of 25.
Where to get support
Our team of bereavement specialists are available to speak with right away. No appointments or waiting lists, just real-life grief support. Call us on 08088 020 021 (open 8am-8pm, weekdays), email ask@winstonswish.org, use our online chat (open 8am-8pm, weekdays) or text or WhatsApp us on 07418 341 800 (open 8am-8pm, weekdays). You must be 13 or older to receive support via WhatsApp.
For urgent support in a crisis, please call 999.
Other articles you might find helpful
Publications and resources
Our specialist books include ones on supporting children and young people after a death through suicide, homicide and in the military.
Information and advice
Advice and resources to support children and young people, including on bereavement by suicide, homicide and serious illness.
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