How to support your child returning to school after a bereavement

Going back to school after someone important has died can be difficult for a child or young person. Teachers and school staff have an important part to play in helping a bereaved child return to school and supporting a child or young person who is grieving. 

School provides a familiar routine in a child’s life. Many children and young people who have been bereaved find returning to school comforting, even quite soon after someone has died, because it shows that some things are reliable and stay the same – even if so much else is changing. 

Other children and young people may find it difficult to go back to school and will need a more gradual return. If a child stays away from school for a long time, it can be harder for them to go back to school, and it may be harder for them to pick up their friendships. This in turn may make a child feel more isolated and alone. 

When should the child go back to school? 

There are many things to consider when deciding when the child should return to school after a bereavement, including how the child feels about school, what stage they are at, what exams or events are coming up, and what effect it would have if they stayed off school for a long time. 

Where possible, it can be helpful to include the child in the decision about when they go back to school, as well as discussing this openly with the school.  

Every person’s grief is unique, and everyone will have different responses and reactions to bereavement, therefore, it isn’t possible to give a categorical ‘yes’ or ‘no’ answer. However, here are a number of things to think about as you make the decision that is right for your family.  

Supporting grieving young people through exams

Do children grieve differently

How does the child feel about school? 

School provides a familiar, routine part of children’s lives. Many children who have been bereaved find returning to school comforting, even quite soon after someone has died, because it shows them that some things are reliable and stay the same – even when so many other areas of their lives may be changing. 

Soon after a bereavement, so much can be happening at home, for example, funeral arrangements being made and many visitors dropping by to offer support. Children may appreciate the distraction of being in school with their friends, their teacher and all the comfort of a routine. Other children may want to be at home and involved in all these important discussions about the person who has died and may find being at school during this time a source of anxiety.  

For those who find school more challenging or already experience issues with friendships, for example, it can feel overwhelming to return too quickly. They may be concerned about breaking down in front of people, having to draw attention to themselves if needing to leave a lesson for support or being unable to focus or contribute to lessons as they usually may do. 

What is happening at school that they might miss? 

1. Exams. Is the child about to take exams that need additional learning at school, for example GCSEs or A levels? Remember than even public exams can be re-taken at a later date. It may be helpful to discuss options with the school together. 

 

2. Special occasions. Is there an event that the child has been anticipating, for example, a school concert, school trip or sports competition? It may affect their initial response to the bereavement if it is also the cause of missing a longed-for event. 

 

3. Leaving their current school. Is the child approaching a transition time away from their present school, for example, the end of junior or secondary school? These can be especially important for children as a positive ending, a positive moving forward with or without their friends and leaving behind the familiarity of school surroundings and teachers they may have known and trusted for years. When a child has had to process such a major ‘goodbye’ to someone special to them, it is important to manage other ‘goodbyes’ as gently as possible. 

 

4. Starting a new school. Is the child approaching a transition to a new school, for example starting school for the first time or starting secondary school? Bereavement can happen at any time and sometimes during the summer holidays. It can feel very daunting to start a new school as ‘the child who’s relative died in the holidays,’ however, it is even harder to start two weeks later when everyone else has worked out their way around the new building and started making new friends. 

What would happen if they stayed off school for a long time? 

If a child stays away from school for a long time, it can be harder for them to return and may be harder for them to pick up their friendships. This, in turn, may make a child feel sadly more isolated and alone.  

Quite apart from missing out on schoolwork, it can be harder to navigate the separation from the rest of the family if being at home has become the normal.  

We would hope that mostly all schools will be understanding about an absence following the death of someone close. They can also help make the return to school as stress-free as possible. It may be that a part-time return could happen if this feels helpful, maybe going back in for mornings for the first week, or the school might have other ideas about how to ease the child back into the everyday school routine again.

How can parents or carers help a grieving child go back to school? 

1. Involve them in the decision about when to go back to school. Some children will want to return to school quickly while others will need a more gradual return to school. It’s important to include the child in any decisions about when they go back to school. Talk to them to understand how they feel about going back to school and what things might help them to return. You can then speak to the school to make sure any support needed is in place. 

 

2. Help to feel less anxious about separating from you. When we are grieving, we often want to be close to those who we feel safe and secure with. For a child, this could mean that they are nervous about going to school and being separated from their family. If the child is anxious about being separated from you, there are several ways you can help. You could plan some fun things to do together when you pick them up from school. The child could take a small item with them to school which reminds them of home or is comforting to look at. 

 

3. Think about how to answer difficult questions. The child will probably have to answer questions about what has happened. Whether this is soon after they go back to school or maybe some time after if they move to a new school or get a new teacher or classmate. Questions could be ‘What happened to your mum?’, ‘How many siblings do you have?’ or ‘Is your dad picking you up from school?’ It can help to think about how to answer these, so they aren’t taken by surprise. 

 

4. Plan how they can cope with bad days. It’s not just the first day back at school that can be difficult for children and young people. Their grief may surface at any time – it could be doing activities for Mother’s or Father’s Day, a science lesson covering cancer or an argument with their friends. Helping the child to think in advance how they can manage school on a bad day can really help. Is there someone they can go and speak to, maybe a teacher or school nurse? Is there a supportive friend who they could turn to? Could they call or text you at lunchtime? You could use our First Aid Toolkit. 

 

5. Help them manage moving to a new school or class. Changing school, going into a new year or moving from primary school to secondary school can all trigger the child’s grief. This is a milestone in their life and it can remind them that their important person isn’t there to see it. They might feel guilty about being excited about a new school or worried about whether their new teachers and classmates know about their bereavement and will support them. You can help by speaking to their new school or teacher and letting them know about the child’s bereavement. You could try and find out who they could go to for support and let the school know about any significant dates that the child might struggle on. 

Support for the school 

We have a number of resources available on our website that you could pass on to the school to help them to better support the child when they return to school: 

Free online bereavement training 

In-depth bereavement training courses 

Strategy for schools 

Example bereavement policy 

Guide to supporting bereaved children in school 

Find them all here.

Where to get support

Our Helpline team can help young people struggling with their grief as well as parents, family members and professionals who are support grieving children. Call us on 08088 020 021 (8am-8pm, weekdays), email ask@winstonswish.org or use our live chat (8am-8pm, weekdays). 

We have a number of resources for schools, including a bereavement policy template, a guide to supporting grieving pupils, a strategy for schools and free online bereavement training. 

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