To mark Father’s Day, we hear from Gary – a Trustee of our full circle partners at the charity WAY Widowed and Young – about how he has coped as a widowed dad raising his young daughter, Hannah, after the death of his wife Angela.
My advice to other widowed dads is ‘don’t be afraid to ask for help’. One of the biggest issues is that so many guys still think they shouldn’t reach out because they’re men – it’s such an outdated mindset.
And don’t be hard on yourself. There will always be moments/days/weeks where you feel you have done something or said something wrong. This is such a difficult journey to be going through alone – trying to keep ourselves going and looking after children. Make the most of the good days and get past the hard days together.
Gary, WAY Trustee and widowed dad
“I was widowed at the age of 31, in September 2017 after my wife Angela battled breast cancer for just over a year. I was left raising our then four-year-old daughter Hannah on my own. Being widowed and a fully solo parent is hard. Being a dad with a young daughter has so many things that most men don’t really expect to be dealing with – and taking that side on has been a challenge.
I went back to college to study architectural technology in 2018 when Hannah started school so I could get myself to a better place for our future. When Angela got ill, our household went from two wages to one wage to no wages within the space of a year. So I had fallen behind on a lot of things and expenses quickly mounted.
Today, I’m working full-time but childcare costs are still a challenge, even though my Mum helps out a lot. Just one of the clubs costs almost the same as my rent. We’ve managed a routine where Hannah goes to breakfast clubs and after-school clubs most days, giving her time to play with her pals and I get to do a job so it works out nicely.
Finding a way forward
When I was first widowed, I felt completely lost and hopeless. Luckily, after only a couple of weeks, I was told about the charity WAY Widowed and Young through Macmillan Cancer Support. Finding WAY totally changed my outlook on things. I went from feeling like I was odd/weird/wrong for the way I felt to finding others who felt the same way as me.
Through WAY, I found things that helped with keeping going. I attended my first WAY meet up eight weeks after I was widowed – being able to feel like enjoying things again made a huge impact. From there I didn’t look back and I went on to start organising my own events – from pub lunches to curry nights and Ceilidhs.
There have, of course, been big challenges over the last seven and a half years. When the schools first went back after the initial lockdowns, Hannah started struggling from major separation anxiety. It was put down to the fact during that first lockdown we were stuck with each other inside and with extremely limited options. She just got so used to it that simply going to school terrified her. I did my best to talk things through with her. I tried to stay as calm as I could at the school gates. We were lucky enough to get some help through a charitable organisation here in Scotland that provides support for children going through bereavement and they helped us get her back to where she was running off into school with no issues at all.
I have also faced several cases of judgement being a dad on his own with a daughter, ranging from strange looks and overhearing comments about how it’s ‘weird’ a guy being on his own in the house with a little girl, to parents outright refusing to let their daughters come to play at my daughter’s house because it ‘wasn’t right that I am here on my own’. We have both learned from these experiences that it purely shows how close-minded people can be.
Being Mum and Dad
One of the most difficult challenges I have faced is coming up to certain stages that I had no experience or knowledge of being the dad to a daughter. Yes, we have other women in the family and close friends who offered to help, but my daughter has always preferred to speak to me about things, which is really special. Luckily enough I was directed to a couple of very helpful books (including Usborne’s Growing up for Girls), which have helped me know more how to talk her through things and it has all been going really well. Sometimes I do struggle with what to do or say on certain days, of course, but we have been able to get by and have a good understanding with each other.
When it comes to Father’s Day, we don’t really do too much. These days were always things that my wife would go all out on, so they were a bit difficult for me the first few years after being widowed. As time went on, I have let Hannah decide what she wants to do. Sometimes she asks to go out and do something together and other times she just wants to chill in the house with me and enjoy a simple day. We do go and visit the grandparents, of course, and she usually has a bit of help from them for a card and gift for her to give to me, but we always have time just the two of us to do whatever she decides she wants to do.
Advice for other widowed dads
My advice to other widowed dads is ‘don’t be afraid to ask for help’. One of the biggest issues is that so many guys still think they shouldn’t reach out because they’re men – it’s such an outdated mindset.
And don’t be hard on yourself. There will always be moments/days/weeks where you feel you have done something or said something wrong. This is such a difficult journey to be going through alone – trying to keep ourselves going and looking after children. Getting stressed and telling them off over something completely innocent will happen. The main thing at those times is to talk with them and you will settle together. Make the most of the good days and get past the hard days together.
About WAY
The WAY Widowed and Young community offers a safe space to talk to other people (both with and without children) who understand how it feels to be widowed at a young age.
Find out how WAY can support you, if you’ve been widowed before your 51st birthday, at www.widowedandyoung.org.uk
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