Five years ago, Rachel’s husband Nick died suddenly while she was eight months pregnant. As Mother’s Day approaches, the WAY ambassador shares her experience of widowed parenting, juggling a career and looking after her own mental wellbeing…
I’ve always made sure that Nick is part of Mabel’s life. She doesn’t feel any sense of shame or embarrassment or awkwardness about talking about him or the fact that he’s died, and I think that’s been very helpful for her.
“Nick went to bed one night and died in his sleep. He was 28 and there was nothing to suggest that this was on the cards. It was a very big shock that this happened just a few weeks before I was due to give birth. He died on 18th July. Less than a month later, on 13th August, I gave birth to our daughter Mabel. Three days after that, on 16th August, we had Nick’s funeral.
People ask how you manage, but the truth is, you just do – because what other option do you have? I think in a way, having Mabel to focus on at that point helped me. I also felt that I was doing something for Nick as well. He would have wanted me to look after myself, but crucially, he would have wanted me to look after our baby. That’s how I managed to get through that whole first year – when I didn’t want to do anything for myself, I focused on looking after the piece of him I still had. And that’s how I still feel about her now. I look at her and see so many amazing things about her that somehow, she’s inherited from Nick, despite them never having crossed paths.
Keeping Nick’s memory alive
I’ve always made sure that Nick is part of Mabel’s life. She knows who he is, she recognises him in photos, she sees our wedding pictures. It’s always been something that we’ve talked about openly. She doesn’t feel any sense of shame or embarrassment or awkwardness about talking about him or the fact that he’s died, and I think that’s been very helpful for her.
I think, for me, it’s just been about making sure that his memory is present because I do want Nick to be part of her life and her childhood. So, it’s just always been something that we’ve talked about, and I push back when adults get awkward about it. If Mabel mentions her dad and someone tries to change the subject, I make a point of bring it back because I won’t let another adult’s awkwardness around talking about death impact how she gets to talk about her dad. I don’t think that’s fair. People need to get better at talking about death.
Returning to work
I went back to work when Mabel was maybe 14 months old. My work was very good. I did a phased return. Now I work nine days in ten which means I have every other Friday off. It keeps my sanity intact to know that I’ve got that space and time because the weeks can feel very tight basically running from one thing to the next.
I’ve also got much better at asking friends for help. I was fiercely independent when Nick first died. I just felt like I had to do everything. And I’ve also learned over the past five years that it’s okay for me to ask a friend to help out if I need to. And also, I’ll speak to work if I can’t do something. I think it is just becoming a better advocate for myself and what I can and can’t do. I’ve gone through periods where I’ve probably worked too much and not been present enough for Mabel, and I’ve probably done the opposite as well, where I’ve leaned far away from work.
It’s definitely not an easy thing, and I don’t think I gave myself any credit for years. It’s only looking back you think, ‘That’s quite a thing that has happened and we’ve managed’. Then I look at Mabel and she’s so happy and full of life and joyful and positive. And it does feel amazing that that’s in part down to me and the relationship we have built together.
It’s also important to look after my own mental health. I think it’s really easy to put yourself last and I probably do put myself way down the list in terms of needs, but I’ve learned to push it slightly higher up to look after my own mental health in just small ways – like trying to go out for a little walk for 15 minutes when I’m working from home. Or taking the long route to school to get a little bit more time outside and alone. I often laugh that my only free time in the week is the blissful short commute to school, which is genuinely 100 metres. My brief break in the day is after I drop Mabel off at school at 8.45 and walk down the hill to get back to my house. That’s like my moment for myself before the work day starts.
Finding support
Quite soon after Nick died, I signed up for bereavement counselling with the charity Cruse, and through that, I heard about the peer support network WAY Widowed and Young. I immediately signed up because that’s the mindset I was in. At first, I wasn’t sure where I fitted in – many WAY members had much older children or had spent decades with their partners. I resented that, in a way, because they got all those extra years I never had (I only got to be with Nick for ten years).
But then I found two other women – Orlando and Pamela – who had both been widowed while pregnant and widowed suddenly. Our daughters were all born in August of the same year, and we were able to talk about widowed stuff and parenting stuff all mixed together. So that suddenly felt like I’d found a really good support mechanism. We have been away together and still have a WhatsApp group where we talk regularly.
For Mabel, I think it’s helped too. I remember a moment at Center Parcs when the girls were maybe three. One of them said ‘Oh, my dad’s died,’ and another replied ‘Mine has too’. It hit me then – this connection was really important for them. They’re processing things in different ways, but as they grow, I hope they will continue to get the same sense of familiarity and being seen or known as we get.
I decided to become an ambassador for WAY last year because I finally felt like I had a bit more space and time. For the first few years after Nick died, I felt like I was just surviving being widowed and working. I would look after Mabel and I would go to work, and sometimes get to see my friends, but it felt like I just wanted something else in my life that was more about me and that wasn’t about parenting or work.
I can see how much WAY has helped me and I just thought I was in a headspace where I would like to help others too.
Looking ahead to Mother’s Day, I don’t have any set plans at the moment, but I will absolutely do something to mark it as I think it’s important. In other years, I’ve taken Mabel to the shop and let her choose me some flowers, or another small gift and explained a little to her about Mother’s Day. I know she finds it exciting to do something nice for me. I try not to put any pressure on the day. It’s just a day like any other, so any small things that I feel good about doing, I’ll do, but I definitely won’t be making any elaborate plans. It’s a day where I get to reflect on how happy I am that I get to be Mabel’s mum, and I keep my focus on that.
About WAY
The WAY Widowed and Young community offers a safe space to talk to other people (both with and without children) who understand how it feels to be widowed at a young age.
Find out how WAY can support you at www.widowedandyoung.org.uk
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