How to talk to children about death

Grief, death, and dying are all things no one wants to talk about, but we do.

Grace, Youth Ambassador (bereaved at age 8) 

Bringing up the topic of death with children and young people is really important. Lots of adults find this uncomfortable when talking to other adults, and it’s completely normal to feel this way when talking to children and young people as well. It can sometimes feel such a big responsibility to talk about a death to a child or young person, and it’s normal to question where to start the conversation, what words to use, how will the child/young person react, must I do this, can I do this?    

You know that you can do this. Talking about a death isn’t just for health, education or bereavement specialists, it’s a conversation you can have with the children you’re supporting.   

It’s normal for adults to worry about saying the wrong thing, fearing the conversation will make the child feel worse after, or trying to avoid having the conversation altogether. It can feel like it’s testing all you’ve got, to have such an important conversation with the child. It can feel even more difficult for you if you are also grieving, in shock yourself and struggling to think clearly.  

If the child or young person you are supporting has special educational needs or disabilities, they may need some extra support in understanding what has happened. It is important to remember that no matter how severe their disability, each child will still be affected by grief and can be supported in a way that is appropriate to them. We have more information about this in our book, We All Grieve. 

Talking to a child about death 

If the child you’re supporting has experienced a death for the first time, they may not understand what death means, and you may need to explain this to them, perhaps over a period of time. Winston’s Wish created a resource for explaining death through insects. The death of a grandparent is often the first bereavement a child will experience. As with any death, the way they deal with their grief can be influenced by various factors, including their age, relationship with the grandparent, and the available support they have around them. 

Children often struggle to understand the permanency of death, and they may think the person will come back to life again. This is normal, and it’s important to explain clearly to them that this cannot happen. The Winston’s Wish bereavement support team say that is better to be open, honest, and direct. 

Choosing the words to say 

Most caring adults want to protect the child from distress and pain, and many choose to use softening language when explaining a death to a child, such as “they passed away,” “they’ve gone to sleep” or “we lost…” Phrasing things like this may feel like you are shielding the child from difficult and painful feelings and emotions, and the reality of what has happened.   

If you can, use words like ‘died’ and ‘dead’ rather than ‘passed away’ or ‘lost.’ Using less direct language often leads to confusion, especially in younger children who may wonder if they can go and find a person who is now ‘lost’ or wonder if they will die when they go to sleep, not understanding that dying is different from usual sleep, even if someone died whilst they were asleep.  

Telling a child about death and how it happened 

If you don’t tell the child about a death, they are likely to feel confused and anxious about what has happened. You can help support the child by talking with them about a death.  

Don’t feel under pressure to talk about everything in detail, in this one conversation.  Winston’s Wish recommends giving age-appropriate information, often one piece of information at a time. You can build up the information that you share with the child over time, as and when they are ready for it.  Think of it like giving the child the next piece of the jigsaw puzzle. When they ask for the next piece, it lets you know that they are ready for it, so you can take the lead from the child and go at their pace.   

Where possible, try to have this conversation when you are physically together in the same place at the same time. Avoid telling the child about a death over the phone or text message if possible.  

You can start the conversation by saying that you have some sad news to tell them.  You may want to let them know that after you have explained this, that you can both have a hug, or they can do an activity of their choice. Emphasise that you are there for them if they want to do something together or if they want time on their own, that’s ok too. If it’s manageable, it’s important for you to maintain existing routines around mealtimes, bedtimes etc., because this sense of predictability and familiarity can be comforting and reassuring to a child or young person and help them to feel safe.  

Often it can be enough to just say that someone has died. Winston’s Wish recommends using their name/relationship to the child “… has died.”    

Managing reactions from more than one child 

If you are supporting more than one child, you may decide to tell them together or one at a time. Be prepared that they may have different understandings and grief responses, some may cry, some may not; some may act as if nothing has happened, whereas you may see huge changes in emotional, social and behavioural presentation in others; some may want to be close to you, others may prefer time on their own or with their friends. This is normal and ok. Try not to judge and compare any differences between siblings in what grief emotions and feelings are shown and how, but view them each individually, and accept that grief is unique, and this is what the death of this person means to this individual child now, and how they are coping with this.   

Remember that there are lots of different ways that individual children and young people may respond after news of a death. The child may respond differently to how you have responded, or differently to a sibling.  

Don’t be afraid of any silences or pauses, as the child tries to make sense of what is being said to them. Shock is a normal response to being told news of a death. Give the child time to start to process the enormity of what has just been said to them, don’t rush this or overwhelm them with more information.   

Sometimes people of all ages will struggle to accept news about a death and may think it is a joke or not really true. They may need more time to process what has been said to them, and to re-hear this a few times for it to sink in.  

Some children, especially younger ones, may want to go off and play immediately after you tell them that someone has died, and not appear to have appreciated the seriousness of what has been shared with them. This may be because they don’t really understand and/or because young children often ‘puddle jump’ in their grief. This means that when children start to feel difficult or uncomfortable feelings and emotions, that they can quickly try to distract themselves with other things. If the child reacts like this, it’s quite normal and it doesn’t mean that you have done anything wrong.  

Answering questions the child(ren) may have 

You can then be led by any questions the child or young person asks.  Remember that if a child or young person asks a question it usually means that they are ready for the answer. Remember to explain using child appropriate language, in a way that a child can understand.  

If you are unsure how to answer a question from the child, let them know that you will have a think about how best to explain this for them, and then be sure to come back to them.  

There are story books that you can read with the child to help them to understand more about what has happened and how death affects us; to begin to think about what the death of this person means to them now, how they feel, what questions they have, and ways that they can be supported in their grief. Take a look at our suggested reading list. 

Grief is the love you have for the person who passed away, living on. 

 Conor, Youth Ambassador, 24 (bereaved at age 17) 

When a child or young person is grieving, talking to someone about their grief and emotions may not be something they feel comfortable with or want to do, even if a parent or professional may like them to. Here are some things to remember: 

1. It’s normal if they don’t feel like talking. Some children and young people deal with their grief by being quiet. They may not have the words or simply feel more comfortable just not talking. That’s okay. It’s important to not force them to speak about their grief. They will decide when they are ready to open up. 

2. Give them space but remind them that you’re there for them when they’re ready. Putting too much pressure on a child or young person to talk about their grief or feelings can sometimes have negative effects. Instead, allow them to approach you in their own time. It’s also important to remind them that you are there for them whenever they feel ready to talk or just want to spend time with someone. 

3. Share some of your own thoughts and feelings. Children and young people tell us that sometimes they don’t speak to parents or carers as they are worried about making them feel sad. Gently sharing some of your own thoughts and feelings can help them to see that you are comfortable to talk about their bereavement, and that this is okay to do. For example, “I was thinking about your dad a lot today and was really missing him.” 

4. Ask for help if you don’t know how to approach the situation. Winston’s Wish Bereavement Support Workers are here to help you support grieving children and young people. Many different emotions can come up in grief so if you ever want to talk to someone, we’re here to help with any guidance, advice, questions, and reassurance. 

It’s okay to show your grief and look after yourself too 

Children look up to the adults around them for guidance on how to react to their grief. Talking openly to children about your emotions and feelings can help them understand that it is normal to feel the way they feel, whatever that may be, and that it’s also okay for them to talk about their own emotions. 

Supporting children whilst they are grieving can be physically and emotionally exhausting. It can also be so much harder if you are also grieving. It’s important to make sure you take care of yourself, getting enough rest, eating healthily, and seeking the right support when needed. 

Remember that all children grieve differently. Reassure them that you are there for them and continue to offer support as the child navigates through this difficult time. 

Getting professional grief support 

Call to speak with a Bereavement Support Worker. Freephone 08088 020 021, 8am to 8pm weekdays (excluding Bank Holidays).

Email us on ask@winstonswish.org or fill out our contact form and we’ll reply within two working days.

Chat online with a member of our bereavement team between 8am and 8pm, weekdays (excluding Bank Holidays). Click on the blue ‘Chat with us’ button at the bottom right of your screen.

For out of hours mental health support, text WW to 85258 to speak with someone from our trusted partner, Shout. For urgent support in a crisis, please call 999.

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