Grief and children looked after: a foster carer’s perspective

Written by Winston’s Wish Bereavement Counsellor and Foster Mum, Elin Clements 

There is no grief like the grief that doesn’t speak

 

Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

During Foster Care Fortnight, I am reflective about the children and young people who are unable to be with their birth families, whilst sometimes dealing with the death of someone close to them. Death brings any other loss a child or young person has experienced into sharp focus. The reality for children and young people who are looked after is that their losses are vast, before even beginning to come to terms with the death of a special person. 

And you arrived, full of sorrow, loss, exhaustion, defeated. No words came from your mouth for three weeks, such was your grief. For the death of your mummy, for your dad who turned to drugs to get him through, grief for your siblings who had been placed in other unfamiliar homes, loss of your bedroom, dog ‘Jack’ and even your toys. You were neglected, you were taken from school, torn away because you had dirty clothes, unkempt hair, your dad couldn’t feed you or look after the house, but he did cuddle you tight when you cried for your mummy and missed her so much it hurt inside.

 

I did my best, knowing attachments grow and we couldn’t hold onto you forever, that there was court to attend, visits to dad and siblings in a strange contact centre where you were watched, and it felt horrible, sleepless nights as you mourned for all the losses you had suffered in your short seven-year life

 

Elin Clements

The theme of the 2025 Foster Care Fortnight is ‘The Power of Relationships.’ Strong connections, building upon foundations, staying in touch, trust and consistency are so important for a child or young person who is looked after to feel secure.  

Winston’s Wish can be part of the connections in a child or young person who is looked after’s grief journey. Whether it is through our helpline, live chat, email, or even joining the youth team in the future, the impact of talking to other people about grief can be huge. 

From my perspective as a foster carer and bereavement counsellor at Winston’s Wish, these are important conversations. More children are coming into foster care than ever before, and many have experienced the death of someone special.

Tips for foster carers supporting bereaved children

• It is important to acknowledge that to a child or young person who is looked after, the death of a special person may be emotionally linked to the losses they have already experienced.  

 

• Try to have the difficult conversations. It may feel uncomfortable, but children and young people who are looked after need honesty. 

 

• Remember that foster care is built upon relationships. Reach out and grow connections that help to support children and young people in their grief. These connections could be through talking to our Bereavement Support Team at Winston’s Wish, through school, with carers or other adults involved with the child or young person looked after. You could even ask questions in your local community about making connections to get further support.

 

• Children and young people who are looked after may move on to be looked after by someone else, but how you support them in their grief matters right now. 

 

• Use resources, creativity, writing, drawing, and play. Not every child finds it easy to explain in words. You can find lots of activities here, as well as our grief toolkit for teenagers and young adults here. 

 

• Ask for support. Winston’s Wish are just a call or live chat message away on weekdays from 8am to 8pm, or you can email us any time on ask@winstonswish.org 

Many children and young people who are looked after learn about grief and loss before they learn about love. It is so important to be there alongside them through the exhausting, emotional minefield, and to celebrate the love they have for the special person in their life who has died. 

Immediate on-demand bereavement support

Call to speak with a Bereavement Support Worker. Freephone 08088 020 021, 8am to 8pm weekdays (excluding Bank Holidays).

Email us on ask@winstonswish.org or fill out our contact form and we’ll reply within two working days.

Chat online with a member of our bereavement team between 8am and 8pm, weekdays (excluding Bank Holidays). Click on the blue ‘Chat with us’ button at the bottom right of your screen.

For out of hours mental health support, text WW to 85258 to speak with someone from our trusted partner, Shout. For urgent support in a crisis, please call 999.