Valentine’s Day can be a tough date for widowed parents, stirring up memories of love and loss. But as many members of the peer support network at WAY Widowed and Young have found, it can also be an opportunity to reclaim the day, whether through self-care, celebrating friendship or showering children with love.
With the new Bridget Jones movie coming out Valentine’s Day weekend, featuring a Bridget’s adventures as a widowed Mum, many WAY members are planning cinema trips with their friends and fellow WAY members on Valentine’s Day – proving that love comes in many forms, not just the romantic kind.
Here are some tips from WAY members and other widowed parents on how they have navigated the 14th of February in the past and made it a day that’s still full of love for them and their children.
Sarah, WAY Member:
It can be quite empowering to take what’s there anyway and make our own tradition or celebration, even if it is small.
“With all the ‘special days’ they can be hard to navigate if we feel like they are reminding us of what we have lost, so, I try to reclaim them and make them about what I am grateful for. Sometimes I have indulged in self-care – a massage, a favourite latte, chocolates I bought myself – because I still love who I am. Sometimes I have done Galentine’s coffee with single mum friends. We may not all be in the same boat, but I appreciate their support and being a good friend is important to me, because our friendships can change post-bereavement. The ones who can still walk alongside are so precious.
“Sometimes I love-bomb my kids – heart-shaped post it notes on their doors telling them some of the things I notice and love about them (the teens valued it really), I have also done Valentine’s dinner with the heart-shaped nuggets from Lidl – why not lean into it in a new way?
“It’s a day to be grateful for love, and we are still loved, and do still love, so finding different ways to do something new can be healing in its own way.”
Kirsty, WAY Member:
Treat yourself, remind yourself of how far you’ve come and forgive yourself for feeling a little out of sorts on the fourteenth.
“Let’s try to remember what Valentine’s Day is about – love, in all forms, not just romantic love. The love we have for our children, our family, our friends and our pets. Buy your kids a little something or do a special tea. Tell your family and friends how much you appreciate them. Spoil your pet. And don’t forget yourself.”
Lucy, WAY Member:
If we re-direct the love on this day, it helps us to focus on how much love we still have around us!
“Valentine’s Day should be renamed ‘the love day’. After a hideously sad, first Valentine’s Day alone and in despair, I decided I wasn’t going to do that again. So, in my house, we changed it to a day of love. My children are encouraged to make a card for someone they love. It could be friends or family. We focus on the nice things we love about the people we know.
“By focusing on any element of love we could all join in the day. The kids are planning to make me breakfast in bed. I’ve made them a surprise ‘love’ bag full of goodies each and a friend even dropped off flowers and chocolates for us, wishing me a Pal-entines!”
Elsa, WAY Member:
Find something to give back to those even less fortunate than you and watch their heart smile. It is very healing.
“One year when I was single and hating on Valentine’s Day, I sent my two grandparents (both bereaved on each side) a dozen red roses and a card that said, ‘When you don’t have a Valentine, you can still send flowers to someone you love.’ They both cried and literally talked about it for years. It made me feel so good I forgot that I was all alone!”
Lindsay, WAY Member:
Last year, a girlfriend hosted ‘Galentine’s Night’ for me and my daughter plus a couple of other local friends. She dispatched her hubby to the pub, and we had dinner and drinks together. The girls had made lots of decorations, but the focus was on celebrating us and friendship. It was a wonderful evening and a lovely way to mark the date.
Rebecca, WAY Member:
Feel free to buy yourself really nice presents. If you are going to miss your partner making you feel special – then remember that you are still special and still deserve something lovely.
Trudy, WAY Member:
I usually buy myself flowers as Sam always did, so he’d approve. I’ll probably take some flowers to his grave too. I once took myself out for dinner on Valentine’s evening. I could see people looking and wondering. But I didn’t care!
About WAY
The WAY Widowed and Young community offers a safe space to talk to other people (both with and without children) who understand how it feels to be widowed at a young age.
Find out how WAY can support you at www.widowedandyoung.org.uk
Ways to cope with special days
Whether it’s your first Valentine’s Day or not, notable days can be difficult to navigate, both as a parent or carer and for children and young people.
To help, we’ve put together ways in which you can cope with special days as a family and how you can celebrate those days, should you wish to do so.
Talking to children about a new relationship after the death of a parent
As a widowed parent, there may come a time when you find a new partner and want to introduce them to your children.
This is a daunting time for everyone and there is no ‘correct’ way to talking about a new relationship. Our experienced team offer their suggestions to navigating these conversations.