It is natural for parents, carers, and supportive adults to want to protect children from pain after the death of an important person, especially a death by suicide. You may be tempted to tell the child that the death was an accident but, from our experience, it is helpful to try and be open and honest from the start.
Here are a few reasons why:
Telling them is the best way to protect them
Your natural instinct will be to want to protect the child. However, from our experience of supporting families, we know that an honest explanation of the facts, in language appropriate to a child’s age, given by people they can trust and who will continue supporting them is the best protection you can give the child. Knowing the facts and feeling supported will empower your children to be self-assured and to counter any rumours and gossip they may hear. Encouraging the child to ask questions and express emotions will help them process their thoughts and feelings.
They might find out another way
A suicide can quickly become public knowledge with police visits, an inquest, media interest and social media. The child may find out online, in the news, or by overhearing conversations rather than from you. If they find out this way, they may feel scared and confused and worry that they can’t share this information or talk about how it makes them feel.
They might feel they are to blame
Children are very perceptive, and they often know that somehow things don’t add up or make sense. They can become aware of things not said or an atmosphere of secrecy or silence and can come to believe that whatever is wrong is somehow their fault. Shame and guilt can intensify in this environment, and not knowing its source means it cannot be named or talked about.
It will help them become more resilient
Children are more likely to grow up into well adjusted, resilient adults if they develop in an environment of openness and truthfulness, where both good and difficult events can be shared and reflected upon.
It can improve your relationship with them
Although it is a very difficult conversation, children who are told about a suicide are more able to name it, talk about it, reflect on it, and integrate it into their understanding of life. Many parents and carers say children develop a greater maturity as a result of these conversations and feel they have a better relationship with them. Children develop a sense of trust and security that is a good basis for growing up.
It can help you too
Telling the child will not only help them, but it will also help you to relate to them in a less guarded way. Many people say they feel better themselves after an honest conversation about a suicide.
How can I tell my child when I don’t understand it myself?
When we don’t understand why a suicide has happened ourselves and we can’t find the right words to talk about it or express how we feel, talking to children about a suicide can seem like an impossible task. We may worry about upsetting them, or saying the wrong thing, or somehow damaging their childhood. A few simple guidelines can help you navigate this difficult journey:
- Don’t feel like you need to have all the answers – you won’t! You may have as many questions as the child and that’s okay.
- Tell them what you do know in simple words and a few sentences and let the child know that you also have lots of questions and that you will continue to share information with them when things become clearer.
- Talk to the child in words you know they understand. Think about it as a translation. How can I translate what I want to say into words they understand? Keeping it simple helps.
- You know the child. Try and hold in mind what their everyday experiences are and how they understand the world around them. This is the context in which they will hear your words.
- Remember that this is an ongoing conversation that can be returned to and built on over time. An honest start, however simple, will make this much easier.
- Don’t beat yourself up as a parent or carer. This is painful for you too and you need to look after yourself in order to be able to do your job of looking after them.
Where to get support
If you need advice on talking to a child about a death by suicide, you can call our Freephone Helpline on 08088 020 021 (8am-8pm, weekdays), email us on ask@winstonswish.org or use our live chat.
For out of hours mental health support, text WW to 85258 to speak with someone from our trusted partner, Shout. For urgent support in a crisis, please call 999.
Other articles you might find helpful
Feelings and thoughts
From numbness and shock to guilt and anger, our experienced team explain some of the complicated feelings and thoughts that children may experience following a death by suicide.
Supporting children after a traumatic death
When someone in your life dies, feelings of grief can be overwhelming. These feelings may be even more difficult to handle if the death is traumatic, sudden or violent.