The death of a parent, sibling or other important person is a devastating experience for any young person and often adults don’t know what to say or how to support them. Teenage years are a challenging time, full of hormonal changes, working out who you are, building independence, testing boundaries and taking risks. Even without navigating grief.
When a teenager experiences the death of someone close to them, emotions and the ability to cope can feel so much more difficult and intensified, both for the young person and those supporting them.
What do teenagers understand about death?
Young people are starting to build a more adult understanding of death as they move into their teenage years. They are more aware of the finality of death and start to realise what this will mean for them, for example that the person won’t be there for important moments like their GCSE exams, school prom, or their first relationship. This is the case for both those who are bereaved as teenagers and those who were bereaved as younger children.
How do teenagers show their grief?
All young people are individual, and everyone’s grief is unique. Some young people may be more open to talk, share and be receptive to support. Other young people may find it difficult to openly grieve by talking about their feelings or about the person that has died. Grief can feel very confusing and if this their first experience of grief they may struggle with being able to make sense of it and to explain it to others. For adults supporting them, it can be difficult to identify what are normal developmental stages during the teenage years and what might be related to their grief.
Lots of bereaved young people are looking for a place to feel seen and heard, and to relate to other young people. If you’re supporting a grieving teenager, please consider sharing Talk Grief with them. Talk Grief is a dedicated online space for grieving teenagers and young adults (13 to 25), powered by the childhood bereavement charity Winston’s Wish. Here you can learn from other young grieving people, find healthy ways to cope and feel less alone. You’ll find out what it’s really like to live with grief from teenagers and young adults, along with advice and tips on managing your grief from our bereavement experts.
Confiding in their friends
Young people’s friends become so much more important to them during their adolescence, and they often start to break away from talking to parents or carers and start sharing everything with their friends. Ensuring that they have space and time to see friends is important, whilst giving them time and opportunities to open up to their trusted adults as well.
Avoiding their friends
Some young people may withdraw from their friends, as they now perceive themselves as different and that their friends don’t understand. This can feel like another loss that they experience, and they may need help to manage.
Wondering ‘what’s the point?’
During their teenage years, young people are starting to question the meaning of life and the afterlife. The death of someone important can cause them to reflect more on this or consider ‘what’s the point?’ Exploring their thoughts and validating their feelings is important. It can also help them to know that this is a very normal feeling of grief.
Caring for the rest of the family
Sometimes, teenagers take on the protective role in the family, feeling that it is their job to step up to care for everyone, this can be a role that they take on themselves or it may be an expectation that is given by others around them. Yes, teenagers can benefit from helping out, but this needs to be balanced with what they can manage emotionally. You might be able to reassure them and let them know that it’s not their job to support everyone else’s grief. They also need time to grieve and express their feelings, be supported by others and have time out.
Being unconcerned about everyone else
Some teenagers can almost appear uninterested and unconcerned by other people’s grief, and this can feel very hurtful and challenging to manage. However, it’s important to understand that this can be a very normal reaction to most things because some teenagers often struggle with empathy. Recognising that they too are finding the emotions just too big to take on themselves, let alone others’ feelings, can diffuse the frustrations and feelings this can raise.
Telling your teenager about a death
It’s important to give teenagers clear and honest information about the death and to answer their questions. This information might be given in smaller pieces, over a period of time, to help them to make sense of the details of what has happened, especially if the death was unexpected or is through murder or suicide.
Let your teenagers know that any question is okay to ask, even if they fear it may upset you. Be honest with them when you have not got the details to answer their question, you can do this by saying:
‘I don’t know the answer for that right now, but when I find out I will come back to you.’
Help them to understand that ‘the worst has already happened’ and talking about it cannot make this worse for you. In fact, it would help you if you knew that they would talk with you when they needed to. Knowing this, they may be more likely to share their concerns and thoughts, rather than holding them in or looking elsewhere for answers.
Encouraging them to talk
Teenagers can be resistant to conversations with parents at the best of times, however, what is important is that you offer this opportunity to them on a regular basis. This is a careful balance of not bringing this up constantly but not shying away from it either. There are other ways to communicate other than talking, this could be by sending a message, writing a note, or spending some time together doing something they enjoy.
What can happen is that they come to you at the most unexpected or inconvenient time. However, if you feel you can, try to grab the opportunity because it may not come along again. It may mean being late for school or late to bed, but these will be outweighed hugely by them opening up to you and expressing their grief.
Who can I talk to about this?
You can speak to our experienced team of bereavement professionals for guidance on supporting grieving children and young people. Call us on 08088 020 021 (8am-8pm, weekdays), email ask@winstonswish.org or use our live chat (8am-8pm, weekdays).
For out of hours mental health support, text WW to 85258 to speak with someone from our trusted partner, Shout. For urgent support in a crisis, please call 999.
Other resources you might find helpful
Talk Grief
Advice and guidance for bereaved young people and stories from other teenagers sharing how they have coped with their grief.
You Just Don’t Understand
Our specialist book is designed the help families and professionals who are supporting bereaved teenagers.